The big bore

One of my coworkers hosted a Halloween party on Saturday, and while my RSVP status was in limbo, I decided that I wasn't dead and just put on the costume I already had and went.

The party was nice.

Sunday morning my arm was absolutely throbbing when I woke up. You see, if I sit there doing nothing, my arm feels fine. When it feels fine, I think I can do things. When I do things, it stops feeling fine, but the feeling gets worse the longer I was doing things. It's a delayed response. I more or less held my arm in reserve, not using it for much of anything, but apparently just holding it up so it didn't dangle uselessly was bad enough. Sunday afternoon, it felt better. So I tried baking.

All I did was fill the bread maker and hit the button.

Woke up Monday morning with an equally proportionate amount of pain. So on Monday, I didn't do a single stupid thing. I stared at YouTube and Netflix while I lay there eating and hating it.

This morning, I didn't feel any pain in my arm at all. I took it as a sign and decided to do nothing. 

The big ow

Rough time. 

So Monday morning my wife drove me into my doctors office (I was able to score an appointment). I can't use my right arm for much of anything, and that blow to my head was stronger than I realized. They gave me a one over and did some x-rays. 

Right arm was the easiest. Just superficial damage. My left arm - sprained wrist, and a radial head fracture at the elbow. There's no splint, cast or anything they can really do for it. I just have to not use my arm. Meanwhile the bruising on the rest of my body is deep and intense. Just below the belt is a massive welt from the handlebar. That's going to take weeks to clear up.

I do have a mild concussion. Having a hard time remembering the event, and somewhat easily confused. Doc said that should resolve itself shortly. Meanwhile the orthopedic doctor basically said I was out of work for 3-4 weeks, possibly 6 depending on how quickly I heal.

Normally I could take time off work to catch up on things... if things didn't require my right arm. Which they always do. Time to lay around feeling useless.

How's that for timing

All summer, instead of going to the gym on Saturday mornings, I've been riding by bike around the lake. It's close enough where I can take a quick trip through the neighborhood and turn into the park, then enjoy a ride by the water.

This morning was booked, but it was nice enough this afternoon. The first part of the trip, through the neighborhood, was down a long stretch of hill before going up just as high, then coasting around to the park. I had just picked up speed when I noticed something.

The right handlebar was no longer attached to the frame. The grip had slipped right off. 

At that point, my left arm didn't have a counterweight, and the front wheel decided to turn very abruptly. It's kind of a blur from there, but apparently I had the presence of mind to drag myself, bike and all, off the road into the nearby grass. The immediate aftermath hurt - a lot. I laid there for a moment trying to compose myself. But there was a measure of fortune right behind me.

My wife had just left the house, same time as I did. She was right behind me, saw the whole thing. Texted our oldest to get out of the house and help me.

A few cars behind that, a pickup truck full of medics from a nearby firehouse. My wife gathered my things while three guys looked me over. I was going pretty fast and dragged that bike downhill for a good distance. Once I composed myself, I was standing and *trying* to be myself. Too much of myself hurt. 

My hands and forearms took the brunt of it. My gloves are completely torn apart - I'm hanging them on the wall and buying another pair exactly like them. My helmet sticks out a bit, which I always thought was weird, but realized soon after that it's the only thing that kept my face from getting ground into the pavement. My cheek has a scrape on it - the helmet lost a wide chunk of plastic. That could have been my face.

Wear your helmet.

The handlebars, once the bike nearly flipped over, dug into my waist. There's a massive bloody bruise right *above* where I don't want it. That could have been worse. That could have been so much worse. 

So yea, regular maintenance is your friend. Don't ignore steering problems. There's a metaphor in there somewhere but I'm still on that adrenaline high so figure it out for yourself. Surround yourself with good people. If I had gone first thing in the morning like I normally do, I would have been on the ground for awhile before I dragged myself back home on my own. I had a hard enough time with my son taking the bike.

Excuse me, I need a nap.

Backyard fire

When we moved into our house, my wife wanted to have fires in the back yard. But she's a bureaucrat, so the first thing she did, instead of setting up a fire pit, was check local laws to see if she could.

This is where we differ. If I want to do something, I don't check to see if I have permission to do it. I just do it. Sure, sometimes it's obvious that what I want is illegal, so I just don't do those things. But of course, the myriad of stupid, obtuse, and sometimes unenforceable laws encumbering the residents of New York state mean I just don't bother.

A few years ago I heard that the town council was pushing to remove that ban. (Apparently some of the council members retired and their younger replacements didn't share their feelings). My wife wasn't aware of the changes, and the time between when I told her and when a fire pit appeared in my back yard was equal to the amount of time her bureaucratic nature took to confirm. Plus a trip to the store for parts.

Anyway, it was a cool weekend and she decided to burn things again. Someone tell me why the mosquitos still come out in October? They were supposed to die by now.

Dream disappointment

I had this weird dream the other night. I was sick, and getting sicker. So I went to the doctor, and he poked and prodded at me, taking blood and whatnot. Soon the results came back, and there were more questions. Then the police showed up and they had their own questions.

Soon enough, I went home, only to find the police there asking my wife questions. Quickly enough, she was arrested for attempted murder. Turns out my ailment was, in fact, poisoning, and she had tried to off me.

Tried. Tried and failed. Just before my dream ended and I woke up, I remember feeling not afraid, not sad, but disappointed. How could she screw up such a simple task?

Of course, when I told her about this dream, she was confident that not only could she succeed, but that it would look innocent.

Sneaky dirt

Sure, lawn work is never clean, but I didn't expect this. I wear long pants and tall socks - the last thing I enjoy is having my legs (even my ankles, no short socks here) getting pelted by flying grass and whatnot. I come out of it with grass, dirt, and sweat all over. My feet, however, are normally just very sweaty.

My feet were dirty. Like, with dirt. Dirt dirt. Alright, I get it. I also tore out my garden, but this dirt didn't just make its way down into my shoe, it was on a pilgrimage to reach my toes. I only wonder how much it cost them.

I can't see

I got my glasses in my early 20's. I only need them for distance, so I only wear them when I'm driving. Going without is not an impediment in my daily life, and even when I lost them on a road trip all it did was prevent me from night driving. 

Also, I had to wear some bright pink novelty sunglasses, because that's the only spare we had.

Imagine this morning, I looked over and saw what I thought was the strangest hairstyle you could ever cook up. Imagine someone was balding, but not only grew out what they had on the sides, but teased it outward so far it was twice the width of their head.

As soon as he got closer I realized they were just headphones. 🤷

The time off

So I really needed a break from the gym. I was getting clumsy and uncoordinated and I'm not sure my brain knew what to do with my body.

I'm told this isn't terribly uncommon.

Well I had the last week in August off (everyone did, we closed), so I decided that was the week to do it. If I didn't have to get up for work, I wasn't going to get up for the gym either. I have a habit of showing up when they open, and if I don't have work I want to sleep.

And sleep I did. I slept so much.

But I got back to it last week, and last week was a stretch. My warmups felt like my workouts, and I had to drop the numbers a little. By the end of the week I was back to where I left off, but it was a little disconcerting how quickly I dropped off.

Fair bag - part deux

Took the wife this time. Didn't forget anything. Did I call it or what?

Fair bag

Things I remembered to bring to the Fair this year:

• The kids
• Snacks

Things I forgot:

• Sunblock
• Anything that can stop a nosebleed.

Next time, I'm bringing my wife. She never forgets that stuff. (She was stuck at work)

Eighteen years

It's been eighteen years since my wife and I got married and that number is startling. My marriage is old enough to be considered an adult. 👀

Wake times

My kids don't sleep in. This has been true from the beginning, they never slept past a certain hour. What the wife and I decided was that if they were going to wake up at an early hour, they were going to bed at one too. 

To this day, my fifteen year old will call it a day between 7-8 and just go to bed most nights, on his own.

But they still get up early. They're all old enough that they make their own breakfast, but it's not uncommon for me to find evidence of a morning meal in the kitchen with one or more kids either quietly watching some silly show, or wrapped up on the couch having fallen back asleep. It's quite the phenomena.

Convenient bug

Got sick on Friday. Cancelled my Friday plans. Cancelled my Saturday plans. Grogged my way through my Sunday plans.

Felt perfectly fine by Sunday at 4:30 pm. Here's an accurate representation of how I feel about my body right now:

Suddenly scheduled

Every time I looked at my schedule today, I found something else on it. My sons keep remembering things that they haven't told us about. Once isn't a bother, but all of them starts to stack up. I can't get too annoyed, either, I tend to do that too.

It just means I'm not gonna look at the schedule again until I get home.

Mugs

I can handle the heat. I can handle the cold. But I hate the humidity. It feels like I'm walking through a bowl of soup today. This is normally when I quit on summer and call for an early autumn. I'm not sweating, I'm just like a glass of ice water - it's all sticking to me and running all over the place.

Willis Carrier invented air conditioning not to beat the heat, but to cut the humidity. Yes I'm right, no I'm not linking proof. Deal.

Old fashion

Back in my twenties, I got the preppiest clothing you cold get at Hot Topic. It was the right cut and style for preppy, but the colors and accoutrement of the goth kids.

It was a solid bridge and I lived on it. But then something awkward happened. I got older, and my body changed shape without my permission. Most of my amazing clothing were shelved or boxed, eventually disappearing over the years. A few items were held onto tightly, clinging to both hope and nostalgia. In fact, one of those shirts recently fit my oldest son.

I let him keep it. His school photos were taken with it.

Well recently I discovered that that shirt fit again. Which means they would all fit again, but they're all gone... somewhere. So I thought to myself, "Wouldn't hurt to go to the mall and see what they have" so off I went, looking for this:

And found this

w h a t   h a p p e n e d

I decided that maybe since I was in my 40's I should reel it in a bit anyway. 

The great indoors

When it's not blistering hot, it's raining. Then we go and get a TORNADO WARNING? I live in upstate New York, one of the big perks is that the weather will NOT destroy my house. Bury it in snow? Rain on it all day? Freeze it? Absolutely, yes, go ahead. But at the end of the day, it's still standing.

At least I don't have to shovel in this heat. Do you know how hard it would be to shovel snow in 90 degree weather?

Crickets

My two oldest offspring are at camp this week, and it's so quiet. So, so very quiet.

Morning person

That's me. I've always been a morning person. When I had to get up at 5am in high school, I simply counted backwards from 8 (hours) and found myself going to bed at 9 every night. It was the 90's, we didn't have our phones to stare at. We had landlines that screamed through the entire house when you called them. So at night, you just didn't. Best bet was late night TV. I lived far enough away from the people I actually hung out with that it didn't happen in the evenings.

I remember people in school moaning about how tired they were all the time. One kid fell asleep in class every day. Meanwhile I was wide awake all day. To this day I hear about how they need to change the school schedules because the high schoolers need more sleep. To which I always reply:

But I digress. I can't stop being a morning person, it's baked in. I get up pretty early on my gym days, but they're not all gym days. But on my rest days, days when I want to stay asleep longer... I still wake up early. When I want to get more sleep, I have to go to bed early. That usually means before some people even get home from work. I wish I could nap, but my house is... noisy*.

I'm starting to understand the early bird deals.

*I have four kids

Boom boom boom

The town of Clay did their fireworks display last night. It started about 9:30 pm, ran for a good half hour. The mall parking lot has three exits, and it was at capacity. Took over half an hour just to get out of the lot. Once we got home, there was little protest from my kids about going to bed. (They were up before 4, so they were tired)

I normally get up at 3:30 to get to the gym on time, so going to bed at 11 means I take a day off. I'm surprised I had my wits about me with how tired I was.

Just about fell asleep during the show. We were as close as you could get. Bright flashes and LOUD bangs, yet my eyes were as heavy as you could imagine. I woke up around 5:30 and I'm still feeling it.

I remember in my 20's I could stay up until 4am, then sleep for 2 hours and be ready for the day. I actually remember doing that for a full week before my body shut me down and I fell asleep the moment I got home from work. I woke up the next morning, a full 12 hours later, still face down in my work clothes with my shoes on.

Yea can't do that any more.

Switching it up

When this school year began, my oldest son had a 6am extra-curricular that I had to drive him in twice a week for. Puts a cramp in the schedule when the gym opens at 5 and work starts at 7. What I had to do was switch my gym routine so that I went in only three days a week, but I hit it pretty hard when I did. It worked, but near the end of the school year, I started to plateau. 

The new routine was not met without protest. My body had become very efficient at doing what I was doing, and as a result was not doing what I wanted it to. I swear my body is designed to be as lazy as possible. Whatever I do regularly becomes easy, and any growth or other changes I want to see just don't happen. I have to keep myself guessing.

I think I'm the only use case for a workout app with a randomize feature.

Surprise

Four years ago, back in January, my wife told me she was going to throw me a birthday party. It was a milestone, so not out of place, but it still felt odd to me. I haven't had a birthday party since I was a kid. A small kid.

Some nonsense happened four years ago and that party never happened.

I suppose she doesn't like unfinished business, because what I thought was going to be a literal walk in the park turned into finding a pavilion filled with my family and friends surprising me. At first I was confused, because running into someone I know at a park is not unheard of. But then to see a bunch of them all in one place, seems like I stumbled into something. So when they all saw me standing there, they started singing happy birthday.

Normally I can tell when she's up to something, but she got me.

School in June

Here in the state of New York, school starts in September, after Labor Day. For some dumb reason, it ends at the end of June. After the first day of summer, the kids are still in school for another day or two. 

It's obscene.

They have this pointless week off in February called 'mid winter recess' that came around in the 70's because of a spike in energy costs and they didn't want to heat the buildings or something, and I remember as a kid looking at the school calendar wondering why we still did that. I looked at all the random days off, and decided to add them up and put them at the end of the year. It would be ending two and a half weeks early if we did that.

I need to petition someone about how ridiculous this is.

GPS foolishness

I don't generally like using a GPS. I learned how to drive in the era of paper maps. First you had a poster sized book with dozens of maps, all organized by what state you were in. Later, we printed directions from Mapquest and hoped there weren't any detours or other diversions that would take you off your inkjet delivered guidance.

My wife had a saying. "Oh, I got lost here once"

When we first moved to Buffalo, she used that phrase a lot. I bought her a standalone GPS for Christmas that year. (The phones still flipped back then), and she used it to stop saying that old phrase. I, however, would go online and look at a map, figuring out which turns I needed to take to get anywhere, then just remember, finding my way around. One occasion, we needed to get to someone's house. I had never been there before and didn't have a lot of time. She put the address in, and so I followed it.

It took me on some wild loop circling town until we arrived. When I saw the cross streets, I realized I could have taken a far more direct route in half the time. I opted to not trust these things until they worked out the problems.

And so I did, at least until they started adding problems.

I drove my son out to some event last summer, and wound up stuck in a traffic jam because of an accident up the road. Many others at the event didn't know about the accident, only that their GPS routed them around the area. I hadn't realized they were doing that now, and decided to join in. The phones stopped flipping long ago, and now I had a built-in GPS so whatever. I don't use it for most drives, but for new locations or longer drives (even if I know the way) I just decided to use it. It started warning me about speed traps, too.

Nice

But then, when I knew the way and all I wanted was a warning about a speed trap, I found it was trying to direct me on some circuitous path that made little sense, even if it did bring me where I wanted. Surely there couldn't be a traffic accident every time. So once, I just ignored it and went the way I always did.

Nothing. No accident, no road construction. Turns out the little bugger was picking some 'eco friendly' way that was supposed to use less gas or something. Adding 10 minutes to my drive isn't going to do that, I drive old cars - I am burning way more than I should be.

Now I have to find that setting and fix it.

Fruit is free

Ignore the title, you still have to pay for it. Or grow it yourself, but that means you're spending your time, so whatever.

I lost a fair amount of weight over the past year. Going to the gym certainly helped, but when I started recording everything I ate I was able to better control it. For example, I would put the bowl on the food scale, then add some ice cream. I put in the amount after scanning the bar code, and after realizing how many calories and how much sugar I was about to eat, I would take some back out until the numbers looked better. My kids eventually figured out the look on my face and would stand nearby to receive the newly rejected scoop into their conveniently available bowls.

Smart kids.

Sometimes I'd hit my calorie limit, but I'd still be hungry. Eventually I learned what foods filled me up, and which ones filled my limit without doing much else. Then I realized something.

Fruits and vegetables didn't count.

Oh sure they do, they're always healthy and whatnot, but the calories they added were always minimal. So I concluded that fruit is free. Veggies are free. Don't bother weighing and adding them into the record. Once I did that, it got easier. 

It doesn't help me reach my protein, but I'm down three pants sizes, so I count that as a win.

And then she moves

So, my Tiny One just finished college in Buffalo, and has a job at Johns Hopkins - which is in Baltimore. From one apartment to the other is 384 miles, which is over six hours driving a Uhaul truck.

Driving the stretch through New York is fine. It was mostly long stretches of big roads with the occasional jaunt through a hamlet. Pennsylvania was the same - until I got about halfway through. After that, all the convenient travel plazas just disappeared. Maryland... sucks. The drivers are needlessly aggressive, and seemingly unaware of their own mortality when facing a heavy laden box truck. Nonetheless, I got there without any issues.

Do you know that the cab of a Uhaul truck is loud? It's almost as if there's nothing stopping the noise from that big engine from digging right into your ears. No aux cord, either. There was no way to get the sound from my phone (GPS) to the vehicle speakers, so I just had to wing it with the phone speakers - newsflash, they're not great when mixed with the rumble of the engine. And they don't have cruise control. I understand why, but it still sucks.

...nobody rents those things for the luxuries.

I don't envy anyone that's moving - it's one of my least favorite things to do. Packing, hauling, unpacking. And you're completely unsettled during the whole process. Unpacking isn't even that easy because you have to decide what goes where and everything feels off until you finally settle in.

I'll happily drive the truck, though.

Congratulations Tiny One!

Someone graduated nursing school this year.

The last time I saw her graduate was when she finished her K-8 school moving on to high school. She graduated high school in 2020... nobody attended that one. I was thrilled to see she was going to attend my old college for nursing school.

Though, the Geography department is on the north end of north campus, on the far end of everything. Their departments graduation was in a tiny little building off to the side. The school of nursing is on south campus, and takes up a lot more space. Their graduation consumed the alumni arena.

Fair enough. Though during her time on campus she was able to find and photograph my hidden graffiti. Unfortunately the building it was in was closed during my visit, so I wasn't able to do the same.

Whatever.

She's a first generation college grad, and already had a job lined up at Johns Hopkins. No connections, no family ties, just pure determination. I can't even tell you how proud I am of her.

I do not show my teeth when I smile and when I try I just look like a kitten that's trying too hard.

"Rest" day

Rest days: I don't go to the gym and I sleep a little extra. Makes for good recovery.

If I sleep, that is.

I keep waking up at the same time, which is early enough to go to the gym. I don't have to get up nearly that early when I don't go, so I can sleep extra. But I don't sleep. I wake up and I'm just... awake. I might still be tired, groggy if I had a rough night, but I never fall back asleep. 

At least I can just lay there and stare at the dark ceiling.

Headphones

All through college, I carried earbuds. I went through maybe half a dozen pair, all wired (it was ages ago) so they would get tangled in my pockets every time. They were convenient, and they kept my music private, and that's where it ended. When I graduated, the last pair I had went into a drawer in my desk. I lost track of them.

At home, I had a bulky pair of headphones selected because they had high quality and were wireless. I worked nights, so when I had time off work I was wide awake all night, and they kept whatever I was listening to to myself. I left night shift almost 9 years ago, and after moving twice and rearranging things more than that, I put them in a drawer and haven't used them since.

I tried to use a pair of earbuds about a year or so ago, when I was on my bike. The sound quality was garbage and I would rather listen to static. Tossed them out. 

Then I was gifted a set of those wireless earbuds. No, I don't use fruit-named technology, so I have a much wider range of options. I tried them out and, oddly, I was surprised. The quality was better than the desk based bulky ones I used to wear. But... they're tiny. So very tiny. 

I still don't know how they got good bass into a teeny little thing.

Weight management

Bulking vs cutting. If you don't know, bulking is when you eat more and work out harder to get bigger. You also, sadly, get fatter. It's part of the bigger. Cutting is when you eat less, and work out just as much so you lose the fat.

People usually bulk when it's hoodie weather, and cut in time for summer. Trouble is, I get cold. I get so cold. The less I eat, the colder I am. During the summer, that's fine because I don't need all that. But it means I go into summer big, and I go into winter small, and that's exactly the opposite of what I'm trying to do.

I have got to get warmer clothes.

Orphan

My Tiny One just lost her mom today. :(

The loops

Every tax season, my dear wife makes a paper chain. Each loop has two pieces of information: that days date, and how many days left until tax day. The wall it hangs on fits it perfectly, and if it's in the background of any photos, I can usually tell what time of year it is by how far along it is.

Either way, this is a picture of my favorite loop on the chain

 

Total Solar Eclipse

Everyone was excited about the solar eclipse. My house was in the path of totality, I got a good four minutes.

 

 

It was exactly what I expected for living in Central New York.

Bad joke day

April 1 is always exhausting. Not only do I have to be constantly on guard for silly pranks, I just finished a 31 day march. 

He's how old?

Today my oldest turned 15. He's taller than I am now, by an inch. He's starting to grow a bit of a 'stache, and he fits my shirts. I'm serious, I bought a pack of shirts and didn't like how they sat on me, so I tossed them at him. They fit him perfectly. It's almost unsettling. He doesn't fit my shoes - yet. He's surpassed my ability to mod games and consoles - which shouldn't surprise me but still somehow does.

I wonder how tall he'll get.

Such uncertainty

Remember this? Over the last month, we've had both extremes multiple times. Two days before our trip to the Great Wolf Lodge, it was 70 degrees. The day we left for that trip was a blizzard - I had to brush off the van twice and we fought snowy roads (for half an hour, we knew the snow band was localized and we just needed to get south of the city so no, we weren't being stupid), but late the next day when we returned there wasn't any snow on even the grass. It had melted off in a day.

The next week we had balmy mid 60's, but another snowstorm by the end of the week. One day I'm in a t-shirt, the next I'm in a parka clearing snow off the driveway wondering if the plows are going to come. It's become almost impossible to plan for what's coming. This is nuts.

Older than she expected

Today is my grandmothers 85th birthday. Five years ago she said she never expected to make it to 80, and here she is. I have such a strong memory deep in my childhood of her putting me in the front seat of her truck and driving fast through an empty mall parking lot right through a flock of seagulls, watching them all freak out and fly away all around us. She bought me my first video game console.

She loves the apple butter my wife makes. She even returns the jars and asks for a refill.

Happy birthday grandma!

Obsolete

So long, long, very long ago I signed up for classmates.com - which at the time wasn't that bad. It was before social media, and if you didn't already have either their phone number before you graduated, you weren't going to find anyone.

I've always been curious to see how everyone's lives have been shaping up, so whatever.

But it's obsolete. We all found each other, first on MySpace, then on Facebook. But over the years, I eventually forgot all about the old classmates.com - until they decided to start emailing me every other day.

Seriously, we all forgot you existed when your obsolescence became inevitable. This awkward reach is almost impossible.

Blog regularity

For the first several years I had this blog, I didn't maintain it very well. The busier my life got, the less I wrote about. Then one January I decided that I would write at least once a week.

I think I've been doing pretty well.

But there are times when I just can't find anything to blog about. Sometimes I reach and find myself writing absolute garbage, but I do it anyway. But then I realize that a big event went by and I wrote nothing about it at all. My recent trip to Great Wolf Lodge merited a mention, but it was our second trip. I looked and realized that four years ago it went by without so much as a whisper. I suppose I had a lot on my mind that March, but still.

The leaper

My wife was born on leap day. February 29 is a national holiday in my house. She has a fun time of it. She turned 20 on her 5th birthday. She was at six and a half birthdays when we got married. When we watched the world transition into the digital age, she couldn't find her birthday in a dropdown menu, but that's largely been fixed over time.

What it means, though, is she has four years to plan a birthday party, and we have no excuses. The first birthday we celebrated together, we threw a masquerade ball. The friend I asked to do music showed up with a band when I was expecting a stereo. It was awesome. Another year, she got a handful of free passes to a number of entertainment venues and we spent the day goofing off.

Fun in various degrees.

This time around, she wanted to do what we did last time. We went to an indoor water park. Great Wolf Lodge in Poconos PA. Same thing twice in a row, I asked? Well, last time we were there, we mused over how it was a good thing we were there when we were, because it sure looked like everything was about to close for awhile.

We had to go back to finish this game of Jumanji and put it all back in the board.

School internot

My kids had an impromptu half day of school because the district had network issues.

Yes. The internet went down and they sent them home.

They just had a week off, and the district did an overhaul of their network equipment. It failed last week, and even after fixing it, it failed again today. Apparently their mandatory security is compromised without the network online, so they were sent home.

Whatever.

Just got an email from the schools - closed again tomorrow because it won't be back up by then.

They're thrilled. This has no effect on my life whatsoever. My wife, however, might find herself with a full house when she's not in the tax office.

Yearly downtime

Every year I get some type of illness that hits me first in my sinuses, then in my chest. About 80% of my random illnesses I can just push through with little to no consequence, but these yearly bouts are what amount to downtime and heavy training exercises for my immune system. I left work after only an hour on Friday. I went in Monday, but suffered through on cold medicine and caffeine (all the while my co workers were concerned for my well-being). Woke up Tuesday to find half of my body was on strike, and there was no crossing the picket line. After tough negotiation, we're most of the way there but there's no going anywhere today either.

At some point in my old age, I might have to move to a warmer climate so this yearly downtime won't be the death of me.

Unsnowed

I blog about the weather a lot, but nobody cares.

In the absence of my kids electronic babysitters, I've found myself needing to interact with them more. Don't get me wrong, they can certainly take care of themselves, but some of them simply choose not to.

Whatever.

They like going sledding, which is fine. They wear themselves out and they're outdoors for awhile. I even enjoy it at my age.

There's no friggin snow. There hasn't been. We got maybe two feet this entire season, and it's gone. I think it snowed a few weeks ago Monday, but it was gone by Wednesday morning. I can take the kids out, but I'd have better luck bringing a wagon and rolling them down a hill at this rate.

Meanwhile, my kids are starting to sound like Calvin.

Feral gaming

All things in moderation, or so we hear. My kids do not believe this. No, they want all the video games and they want them now. 

I enjoyed video games growing up, but my parents merely tolerated them. I would get a new one rarely, and my opportunities to play were limited. First by parental mandate, then just by the increasing demands of my busy life.

Then I had kids, and oh boy do I like to live vicariously. 

At first it was fine, we would play together (the early Lego games were notoriously kid friendly), but over time their tastes started to diverge from mine. And while I lack the same appreciation for the games they enjoy, I at least understand them.

Until they went feral.

When everything shut down four years ago, they had nothing to do and nowhere to go. It was all closed, so I simply unleashed what indoor entertainment I had and they let loose. Pulling back from that has been a gradual challenge, and a moderately unsuccessful one at that. As their own lives have grown busier what with clubs and other outside activities creeping into their lives, the dominance of screens has waned over the years, but we noticed it in their behavior.

They turned into monsters.

When they don't have an endless supply of the games, they turn into regular people. With them? They become unhinged devils. So I did what any maniac father would do and packed them all up.

It helps that all the games and consoles are mine, and I just let them use it. (You gave your kids a Switch? That was your mistake. I got myself one and reminded them that I merely let them use it)

That was a few weeks ago, and they're acting like normal people again, despite the daily whining from my oldest, blaming the behavior of his youngest brother, but that's almost expected.

We'll see how it goes.

Sticker Shock

My car needed an oil change (as they do). I don't put a lot of miles on my car, so the recommended ninety days usually passes faster than the mileage. Either way, the car never tells me there's a problem until it starts to sound like a diesel engine.

Then I realize I haven't been paying attention.

So I go to get the oil changed. They try to upsell and overcharge me on everything (as they do). When they get to the air filter, they have a point. It's filthy - far worse than I anticipated. But I LIED TO THEM and told them I had a spare at home and I'd swap it myself.

The spare was at an auto parts store on the way home. 

Buying the replacement air filter was a sour experience. One that I got to relish as I made the extra trip to the store and had to install it in the rain. The price of air filters had gone up considerably. Oh I still saved money, but I don't think that extra three dollars in my wallet was worth it.

The dance

So there I was, surrounded by people, everyone enjoying themselves (at least I came to that impression). The music was playing, and then the song changed.

A lifetime ago, I went swing dancing - a lot. I averaged about three times a week, and it was mostly Lindy Hop. It was a fun time in my life, and I think back to it from time to time. But I heard an awful lot of swing music, some of which I haven't heard since, despite my collecting as much of it as I could at the time.

The song changed. It was one of the old swing songs, one that I hadn't heard in a lifetime. I almost jumped out of my seat and tried to find a partner, but couldn't. Because I was at the gym. And I was wondering why they were playing swing music at 6 in the morning. All I could do was sit there, resting between sets, quietly being taken back in time.

Shopping cart scandal

Grocery store layouts are fairly predicable. You grab your cart and go in, and you're slowly clattering along tile as you're led straight into the produce and bakery. I heard that they use this thick tile to slow people down so they don't rush their empty carts through to the rest of the store - the margins on fresh stuff are pretty low and they gotta move it fast, so they want to slow you down. But I disagree. People are gonna get what they want. I know why they have such obnoxious flooring in the beginning of the store. Because once you get into the rest of the store, with its nice smooth floor, you're already loaded up when you discover that your cart has a retarded wheel.

😎😕

😎😎

You see, the awkward tile floor is meant to hide your malfunctioning shopping cart, tricking you into sticking with it until it's too cumbersome to replace. Yea that's right. So now instead of merrily shopping along, joyfully spending more than I should, I'm babysitting a derpy wheel on a shopping clunker that's only serving to annoy me right out of the store. Instead of "I need to go to aisle 3b to get band-aids" it's "I CLUNK need CLUNK to CLUNK go CLUNK home, I need to go home. Forget this nonsense"

My generation isn't even the one with sensory issues. No, I'm just the old man that's annoyed at being saddled with a mistake that should be taken out back and thrown into a crusher. 

(That's a real thing. I once worked in a grocery store that had a masher in the back for garbage)

I've gone so far as to pop wheelies on carts just to shut them up. I've leaned them over so the offending wheel wasn't on the floor any more. (There's a reason I only do any shopping in the wee hours of the morning, I don't need those looks any more. No I will not describe them)

I'm glad my local stores have brought the hand baskets back. They hid those when people got worried about getting sick or something. At least if those are faulty, they won't work at all.

At least I hope not.

Mrs Tiny

Ages ago, I met a Tiny yet fierce twelve year old that had absolutely fallen in love with my one year old son and his dazzling blue eyes. She quickly latched onto me as a father figure, and I found myself inundated with questions about everything, stories about her hectic and constantly changing life, jokes that danced on the razors edge of appropriateness, and Spongebob references that I didn't get.

To this day, I still haven't watched a single episode of Spongebob, but I know every single character and get all the memes.

A year after this started is when I moved from Buffalo. She wasn't happy. But we kept up, the internet being the thing that it is. Over the years she leaned more and more on her friends, and my phone didn't blow up so much. We kept up as she started and then finished high school, with all the highs and lows she pushed through. I was thrilled when she got into my Alma Mater, starting classes at UB only a few years after I left.

She didn't tell me about her boyfriend right away. I didn't realize my approval was so important to her. I admit I was critical - I mean I didn't even know the guy. How am I supposed to offer up my parental wisdom if I don't know anything that didn't come through the rose tinted filter? I mean come on, teenagers aren't known for being that discerning in their relationships, are they?

It was the look on her face.

She posts a lot of pictures, and once he started showing up in them, she started to glow. 

Ok then. 👍

The day her father passed, I was glued to my phone - because she was. Her boyfriend (who lived in Maryland at the time) dropped everything to leave town and go be with her. I knew when he arrived because my phone suddenly went quiet. 

This man has his priorities straight.

They made the drive out to my house this past May to tell me about their engagement. Her brother had spoiled the surprise with a Facebook post, but I kept my mouth shut until it was funny. They had my approval before they even got here.

I walked her down the aisle three days ago. I was honored to have such a role in her wedding, and couldn't be more proud of who she's become.

And now I get to see her off on a whole new adventure - which oddly won't feel much different from the one she's already on, just with new paperwork. I won't tell her that, though. Gotta let the kids ride that high and come down on their own.

I love you my little Tiny One.

Partial success

My daughter, bless her eight year old heart, fell asleep at 10pm. My oldest, being 14, had the most stamina. He fell asleep shortly after him, and my wife reports just going to bed right afterward. 

My son, however, told me he woke up again around 11pm and powered through to midnight.

There's your role reversal. I gave myself a fake countdown and went to bed while the kids stayed up. Even my wife occupied herself by playing video games while I went to bed. Honestly I never saw that coming.